Questions to Ask on a First Date: Before, During, After

What are good questions to ask on a first date?

Good first date questions are open ("What do you like to do on a day off?"), about the present or recent past, and easy to answer in a sentence or a story. They give your date something to enjoy talking about, and they give you something to follow up on. Ask one, listen, follow up once, then answer it yourself.

Why asking questions helps

In research by Karen Huang and colleagues, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were better liked by their conversation partners. In a speed-dating study, people who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a yes to a second date. People also didn't expect that asking questions would make them more likable. Asking questions can't guarantee a second date, but it's a good habit.

Questions to ask before the first date

If you met on an app, a short chat before the date makes the first minutes easier. Keep it light and about the plan for the date.

1. What kind of place do you like for a first meeting: a coffee, a walk or a drink?
2. Is there anything you'd rather avoid, like loud bars or a long dinner?
3. How much time do you have, so we both know what to plan?
4. What's the best thing you've done this week?
5. Is there a food you can't eat, or one you love?

A short video call is fine too, if you both like the idea. It's optional, and either of you can say no.

Questions to ask at the start of the date

The first ten minutes are about getting comfortable. Ask about the day, the neighborhood and small things.

6. How was your day?
7. Have you been here before?
8. What's something you're looking forward to this week?
9. What's your favorite thing to do on a day off?
10. What's a small thing that made you smile recently?

Questions for the middle of the date

Once you're both relaxed, ask about what they care about. These work well halfway through a meal or a walk.

11. What are you working on at the moment, at work or outside it?
12. What did you want to be as a kid, and how close did you get?
13. What's a trip you still think about?
14. What do you do when you have a whole free weekend?
15. Who's someone who shaped how you see the world?
16. What's something you're learning or want to learn?
17. What's your favorite way to spend time with friends?
18. What's the best meal you've ever had, and who were you with?
19. What does a good week look like for you?
20. What do you enjoy that most people find odd?

A few questions that go deeper, if it's going well

Use these when you're laughing and your date is asking questions back. In the first study of the classic closeness paper by Arthur Aron and colleagues, pairs spent 45 minutes on questions and tasks that grew more personal. Afterwards they felt closer than pairs who did small-talk tasks. The authors called their findings preliminary. The pairs were in an experiment, and a first date is a different setting. Pick one or two of these, no more.

21. What's something you're proud of that you don't mention much?
22. What do you want more of in your life this year?
23. What's something you've changed your mind about?
24. What does a good relationship look like to you?
25. What are you looking for right now: something serious, something casual or still figuring it out?

For longer lists, see our deep conversation questions and questions to get to know someone.

Jastado is being built around questions like these: money, family, lifestyle, values and long-term goals. They fit later dates better than the first. Join the waitlist for your city.

What to ask when the conversation goes quiet

A few seconds of silence is normal. If it stretches, point to what's around you ("What do you think of this place?"), go back to something your date said earlier, or ask a light "this or that" question: mountains or beach, early riser or night owl.

How to answer when it's your turn

Answer in a sentence or two and add one detail, like where you ate it or who you went with. Then hand the question back: "What about you?" If a question feels too personal, "I'd rather save that one" is a fair answer, and a good date will move on.

Questions and topics to skip on a first date

• Questions about their ex or how many people they've dated.
• Money, salary and what they own.
• Politics and religion, unless either of you raises it.
• Anything sexual or about their body.
• Anything that sounds like a checklist ("Do you want kids? How many?").

Big questions about the future can wait for a later date. A calm "I'd like to talk about that on another date" is a fine answer to a question that feels too fast.

What to ask at the end of the date

At the end, be direct and kind.

• If you had a good time: "I enjoyed this. Would you like to do it again?"
• If you're unsure: "Thanks, I had a nice time. I'll message you tomorrow."
• If you're not interested: "Thank you for tonight. I didn't feel a spark, but I wish you well."

Afterwards, ask yourself a few things:

1. Did I feel at ease?
2. Did we both ask questions?
3. Did I like who I was around them?
4. Do I want to see them again?

Safety basics

Our trust and safety page has the practical steps for meeting someone new, such as choosing a public place and telling a friend where you'll be. If a date makes you uncomfortable, you can leave at any time. If you are in danger, call 911. If a date or partner is threatening or controlling, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233.

Where questions are not enough

Questions can't create chemistry. Some people are shy on a first date and open up on the second. If you feel anxious before dates, a licensed counsellor can help.

Summary

Ask a few easy questions before you meet, go from light to personal at the table, and end the date with a clear, kind question. For where to go, see our first date ideas, and for more to ask, our questions to get to know someone, and, once you are dating, our questions to ask your girlfriend or boyfriend.