Relationship Deal Breakers: How to Name Yours Before Dating

What is a deal breaker in a relationship?

A deal breaker is a trait, behavior or life choice that ends a relationship, or stops one from starting, because you can't live with it. It usually comes from your values, your safety or the life you want.

A quick test: if it were true for years, would you still be unhappy even if everything else was great? If yes, it's probably a deal breaker. If you'd adjust, negotiate or get used to it, it's a preference.

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Key takeaways

• A deal breaker is about values, safety or life plans. A preference is about taste.
• Fewer, clearer deal breakers work better than a long list.
• Safety issues, such as violence or control, are not up for negotiation.
• Name yours before you date, and update them as you change.

Deal breaker, preference and warning sign

Deal breaker: you won't accept it. Example: one of you wants children and the other is sure they never will.

Preference: you'd like it, but a good partner can outweigh it. Example: you like a partner who works out.

Warning sign: a worrying pattern in how someone treats you or others, such as lying, contempt or controlling behavior. It can become a deal breaker, but you can also give it a conversation first.

What do people say are deal breakers?

In a 2019 Pew Research Center survey of 4,860 US adults, distance, debt and a potential partner's vote for Donald Trump topped the list of reasons singles looking for a relationship wouldn't consider someone. In the same survey, 38% of US adults said dating someone 10 years older would give them pause, and 36% said the same about dating someone raising children from another relationship. These are attitudes, not outcomes, so use them as context for your own list.

Academic research points the same way. In six studies by Peter Jonason and colleagues, people's deal breakers were linked to undesirable personality traits, unhealthy lifestyles and different mating strategies, and they mattered more when people were looking for a long-term relationship. Deal breakers also weighed more heavily than desirable traits.

Common deal breakers, sorted

Every person's list differs, so borrow only what fits.

Safety and respect (not negotiable)

• Violence, threats or controlling behavior
• Constant lying or cheating
• Disrespect toward you or people you care about

Values and life plans

• Wanting children, or being sure you don't
• Where to live, now or in a few years
• Religion or faith, if it matters in your daily life
• Money habits and attitudes to debt

Lifestyle

• How you each handle alcohol or other substances
• How much time you spend with family and friends
• Pets, if you have a serious allergy or strong feelings

Preferences (usually not deal breakers)

• Hobbies, music, food tastes
• How often you text
• Height, style or looks

If you're not sure where something belongs, ask whether it describes how someone treats you or what you want out of life. If it does, it's closer to a deal breaker.

How to name your deal breakers before dating

1. Write a long list. Everything you can think of, for five minutes.
2. Sort it into three columns: must-have, strong preference and nice to have.
3. Test each must-have with the question: would I still be unhappy in five years if this were true, and everything else were great?
4. Cut the list to what's left, ideally under five.
5. Check who it protects. A deal breaker should protect your values, safety or future, not just your comfort.
6. Say it out loud to a friend and see if it still makes sense.

Revisit it once a year or after a big change. Your list at 25 may not match your list at 35.

A worked example

Say you write 14 items. Six are about taste: tall, outdoorsy, likes cooking, texts a lot, funny and plays an instrument. Those move to "nice to have". Four are about life plans: wants kids, wants to live near family, doesn't smoke and doesn't want to move abroad. The last four are small habits you decide you can live with, so you drop them. Test each one with the five-year question and keep the two that still matter, such as kids and living near family. The other two become strong preferences. Then add safety: no cheating and no controlling behavior. The final list has four items, which is short enough to use when you decide whether to see someone again.

How to bring it up when you're dating

Don't open a first date with a list. Wait until you know someone a little, then raise a topic that matters, such as "Do you want kids someday?", in a calm moment. If you find a deal breaker, you can end it kindly: "I think we want different things, and I'd rather say so now."

Are your deal breakers too picky?

A long list can make it hard to meet anyone, and some items may be preferences in disguise. If you can explain why each one matters in a sentence, it is probably a real deal breaker. If you can't, try moving it to "strong preference" and see how it feels. You keep your standards and drop the items you can't explain.

Where this does not work

A list can't predict who you'll love, and it can't replace getting to know someone through real conversation, such as our deep conversation questions or the stage-by-stage questions to ask your girlfriend. It also shouldn't be used to make someone feel judged.

If a partner is violent, threatening or controlling, that is not something to weigh on a list. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233, and in an emergency you should call 911. Our trust and safety page has more. If you're unsure whether a relationship is healthy, a licensed counsellor or therapist can help you think it through.

Summary

A deal breaker protects your values, safety and future, while a preference is about taste. Write a long list, sort it, test each must-have and keep what's left. For conversation ideas to find out what a person wants, read our questions to get to know someone and first date ideas.