Secure Attachment Style: What It Means in Dating

What is a secure attachment style?

Attachment theory began with John Bowlby's work on how babies bond with caregivers. In 1987, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver tested whether the same idea fits adult romantic love. They asked adults to pick the description that fit how they feel in close relationships, and one choice was a secure style: finding it easy to get close to people and being comfortable depending on them. The other two were an avoidant style, which keeps distance, and an anxious style, which worries about being left.

A 2015 study by Chris Fraley and colleagues found that adult attachment fits two scales better than separate types. One is attachment anxiety: how much you worry that a partner will leave or stop caring. The other is attachment avoidance: how much you pull away from closeness and from depending on someone. A person who scores low on both is what researchers call secure, and anyone can sit a little higher or lower on either scale.

Jastado's questions are being written with these two scales in mind, so the answers show how someone thinks about closeness and about depending on a partner. Join the waitlist for your city.

What does a secure attachment style look like in a relationship?

In the 1987 study, the secure description said that:

• getting close to others feels easy
• depending on a partner, and having a partner depend on you, feels comfortable
• you do not often worry about being left
• you do not worry when someone wants to get close

All of this comes from how people describe themselves. Security also changes within the same person over time, so one tense conversation tells you little about someone.

How common is a secure attachment style?

In a nationally representative US sample from 1997, about 59% of adults described themselves as secure, 25% as avoidant and 11% as anxious. People picked the one paragraph that fit them best, so these numbers show how people saw themselves. The shares add up to 95%, and the study is nearly 30 years old. No number here tells you which style a given person has.

Can your attachment style change?

Security toward a partner goes up and down over time, though it stays stable overall. In a set of studies by Girme and colleagues, most people's security toward their partner fluctuated, and bigger swings predicted later drops in satisfaction, mostly among people who started out secure. A 2019 review by Chris Fraley and Glenn Roisman found that early experience predicts adult attachment only weakly. Links between childhood and adult attachment are weak, and they change with how researchers measure them.

Partners play a part too. In a study of 134 couples, more trust in a partner was followed by less avoidance, and a partner who supported someone's goals was followed by less anxiety. This is one study, and it cannot prove that trust caused the change. A safe, steady relationship may help a person feel more secure. It is not a reason to stay with someone who is unkind to you.

How age and relationship status show up

A study of 86,555 adults aged 18 to 70 found attachment anxiety highest in younger adults and lower in middle age and later life. Avoidance was highest in middle age. People in relationships scored lower on both scales than single people. The study cannot show whether relationships lowered the scores or lower scorers were more likely to be in one. About 72% of the people in the study were women. They chose to take an online survey, so the results may not fit everyone. The results describe groups and cannot tell you what will happen to you.

Dating someone with a secure attachment style

You cannot read a person's attachment style from a first date, and a few good dates prove nothing. How someone acts over time tells you more. Notice whether they:

• do what they say they will do
• can talk about a disagreement without punishing you for it
• respect your plans and your time apart

Questions that go past small talk show you how someone thinks about closeness, and a relaxed first date gives you room to see it. If you are working out what you need from a partner, deep conversation questions are a good place to start.

Where this does not apply

• Quizzes are not a diagnosis. An online quiz cannot tell you your style. The research uses long questionnaires, and even those describe patterns.
• A label is not a verdict. Nobody is stuck as "anxious" or "avoidant", and nobody is secure in every moment.
• If closeness hurts, or your past makes dating feel unsafe, a licensed therapist or counselor can help in a way an article cannot.
• If you are in an unsafe relationship, see our trust and safety page or contact The Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. In an emergency, call 911.

Summary

A secure attachment style means being comfortable with closeness and with depending on a partner. Researchers measure it on two scales, and it can shift over time. Judge someone by how they act over time, and talk to a licensed therapist if closeness feels hard.

For more, read questions to get to know someone, first date ideas and questions to ask your girlfriend.